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How does mediation work if you intend to divorce?
Divorce can be very stressful and often involves two people that love each other intensely now fighting tooth and nail for custody terms or financial assets. Especially if you have children, that degree of conflict may not be the best option.
Thankfully, you and your spouse do have the option of filing for an uncontested divorce. Mediation is a commonly recommended tool to help people reach terms for an uncontested filing. How does divorce mediation work for a couple?
The two of you will have to negotiate and find a way to compromise
Divorce mediation typically involves the parties involved in a conflict, their legal representatives and a neutral, professional mediator. Mediation is not binding until the two of you successfully negotiate for terms regarding custody or property division. Once you have found solutions that work for your family, you write them down in a mediation agreement, which you can then present to the court as part of your uncontested filing.
That unhappiness you feel in your marriage is more than just “the seven-year itch”
The idea of the seven-year-itch is well known. It essentially just means that most couples feel some dissatisfaction around year seven of the marriage. They’re far enough along in the relationship that the newness of it has worn off. They may become unhappy or decide to get divorced and start a new relationship.
But calling it the seven-year-itch may actually be misleading. In one study, researchers found that the most “conflict behaviors” happened in the first year, the third year, the seventh year and then the 16th year.
The early conflict behaviors could mean that the couple wasn’t ready for marriage. If they’re already having serious conflicts in the first 12 months, they may not have been as compatible as they once thought.
Those who struggle with these behaviors — which include things like insulting one another, acting contemptuous, and the like — in the third year of marriage could be couples who weren’t all that happy early on but who pushed through the first two years to see if things got better. When they did not, the level of the conflict between them began to rise. By the seven-year mark, couples may have tried and failed to mend their conflicts.
Child support and college in Illinois: What you should know
If paying your child support often leaves you financially strapped, you may be looking forward to your child’s graduation from high school and the end of your responsibilities — except it isn’t that simple.
Illinois law changed in 2016, with the updates making it clear that divorced parents are equally responsible for contributing to their child’s post-secondary educational expenses. Under Section 513(b), divorced parents must now assist their college-age children with:
- The cost of one college entrance exam preparation course (such as the kind used to help prepare for the SAT or ACT exams)
- The fees for up to five college applications
- The cost of two standardized college entrance exams
- College tuition and fees (up to the amount that would be paid by a student attending the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign for the same school year, regardless of what school the student attends)
- The child’s housing expenses (on-campus or off) up to the value of what they would pay for a double-occupancy dorm room and standard meal plan at the above-mentioned university
Why is gray divorce on the rise?
You have likely heard that gray divorce is on the rise. This means that more people around the age of 50 and above are getting divorced. These are individuals who are typically unconcerned with family dynamics, as they do not have young children, and more concerned with financial issues.
What you may be wondering, though, is why we have seen this change. Why is it that divorce is rising for this age group when it has been falling for others? Let’s consider a few of the potential reasons.
Financial independence
First of all, marriage was a means of financial success for previous generations, especially for women who felt they had no place in the workforce. With limited work options, getting married seemed like the only way to be financially stable.
That’s no longer true in the modern workforce. With both people now experiencing more financial independence, divorce has become an option. No one needs to feel like they can’t exit an unhappy marriage for financial reasons alone.
What emotions should you expect after divorce?
Finding out that your spouse filed for divorce is sometimes expected, but other people are blindsided by the filing. Regardless of which category you fall into, there are some points that you should be prepared for when you’re undergoing this major life change.
Many people think about the legal matters they’ll face. These include property division and child custody, but they might not realize that they’re also going to be dealing with some major emotions as they go through this.
The emotional stages of divorce include:
- Denial: You might pretend that everything is great with your life and ignore the fact that you’re divorcing.
- Anger: You’ll likely be upset at your spouse for what they did that contributed to the end of the marriage — even things that really didn’t matter.
- Bargaining: You may think about what you can do to repair the marriage, and some individuals will act on those thoughts.
- Depression: You may become very sad and start to think about the time you wasted during the marriage, and you might realize that you’re alone now.
Is it time to let your child choose their custody schedule?
In Illinois, children have the right to choose which parent they want to live with once they are 14 years old. At that age, most judges and courts would agree that children are old enough to understand who they want to live with and the repercussions of their choices. However, it’s important to note that the judge can veto the child’s choice if they believe that the custody arrangement isn’t in their best interests.
As a parent, you may not be ready to let your child choose, but is it a good idea to give them the opportunity? Is it time to let them tell you what kind of custody schedule they want and what would work better for them?
This is a question without a simple answer. Children all mature at different rates, and they may not fully understand why their custody schedule is what it is today. It’s a good idea for you, your ex-spouse and your child to sit down and have a discussion if you think that your child is now old enough to make some decisions about custody themselves.
Take steps to protect yourself if your spouse wants a divorce
Sometimes, one spouse wants a divorce but the other spouse does not. In such cases, it is common for the spouse who wishes to stay together to deny the idea that a divorce is really happening. While understandable, this can leave you vulnerable to an unfair outcome. You cannot ignore the situation and come out ahead.
Even when all you want is to remain with your partner, it is much wiser to accept that the divorce may proceed despite your protests. This form of acceptance, even when trying to save your marriage, allows you to take protective measures ensuring that you acquire a favorable settlement.
As experienced family law attorneys, we recommend following the steps below if your spouse demands a divorce:
- Get legal representation: Illinois divorce and child custody laws are complex. Without a legal advocate, you risk losing the assets and the property you may rightly deserve. If you share children, with your spouse, legal counsel is even more important to ensure that you remain close with your kids.
What does it mean to commingle assets with your spouse?
Many couples own both marital assets and separate assets. These are assets that they own together and those that they own individually. It’s important to know which camp they fall into when getting divorced.
Now, these assets are not always categorized the way people assume. For instance, if you and your spouse bought a car for you to use on your commute you work, you may feel like it is your car. It’s not. It’s a joint asset that you own together.
One example of a separate asset is an inheritance. If your parents left you money directly, before or after your marriage, it likely counts as a separate asset. The goal that your parents had for that money is clear and your spouse can’t claim that they helped you earn or obtain it.
The best thing to do with an asset like this is to put it into its own account and keep it separate from everything else that you own. If you mix it, which is known as commingling the assets, you may then give your spouse a claim that the asset became marital property, not separate property.
Is your marriage over? How do you know?
All marriages go through rough patches. So how do you tell the difference between a marriage that just needs a little bit of work and a marriage that isn’t meant to last? If you’re on the fence about seeking a divorce, here are the signs that your marriage really is over:
One of you can’t forgive the other. Whether it’s infidelity, drinking or a hundred small resentments that seem to have piled up, the fact that the past keeps getting dragged up in every argument is an indication that your marriage isn’t likely to survive much longer.
Everything else comes first. If you married an artist, you may be used to losing them to their passion projects, but most couples make an effort to be there for each other. If work, kids, hobbies and friends seem to always come before time with your spouse, that’s a sign that one or both of you no longer finds the relationship fulfilling.
You’re no longer “real” with your spouse. Your spouse is the one person you should be able to trust to accept you as you are — flaws and all. If you find yourself putting on an emotional mask or tailoring your behavior in a certain way just to avoid arguments, you’re probably not with the right person.
The new school year is a good time to review a parenting plan
With the start of the new school year approaching, it is a good idea for divorced parents in Illinois to review their parenting time orders to ensure they still meet the child’s needs. For example, a parent might have moved out of the child’s school district over the summer, and the needs of a child change as the child ages. After all, the needs of an 8-year-old are different than the needs of a 12-year-old or 16-year-old. Sometimes, after reviewing a parenting time order, a parent will want to seek to have the order modified to better suit the child’s needs.
Modifying a parenting time order
Generally, when modifying a parenting time order, it has to be shown that there has been a change in circumstances necessitating the change and that the change is in the best interests of the child. However, a modification may be made in the absence of a change in circumstances if it is in the best interests of the child and any of the following factors are present.
One factor is if the modification is due to a change in the living arrangements of the child for six months prior to the filing of the petition for modification. This change must be agreed-upon by both parents, who are both able to give meaningful consent. Another factor is if the modification is minor. This list is not all-exhaustive; there are other factors as well.
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