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Divorce doesn’t have to be viewed as a failure
Getting married is often the most exciting time in a person’s life. Both partners look forward to their lives together and enthusiastically anticipate the future. Unfortunately, married life doesn’t always match initial expectations. While it is normal for most couples to experience bumps along the road, extended issues and conflicts can lead to the marriage breaking down.
Frequently, divorce is looked at in a negative aspect and as some sort of failure. However, rarely are circumstances so straightforward. Remaining in an unhealthy marriage could be to the detriment of you, your spouse and your family members. It is important to take a balanced approach when considering divorce, and that means paying attention to potential positives. For example:
Your children may benefit
It can be a daunting prospect to move forward as a single parent, but there is ample evidence to show that remaining in a toxic relationship can actually do more harm than good.
Being happier with yourself can give you the confidence and fulfillment necessary to be as good a parent as possible. Furthermore, your former spouse may experience the same effects. With this type of dynamic between parents, it is possible to make a success of co-parenting and ensure that the needs of your children are always met.
Divorce coping mechanisms for your children
Divorce typically takes its toll on the emotional well-being of both spouses. It can be even more difficult if you are parents, as you have your kids to worry about too.
Children may not find the divorce process or post-divorce transition easy to deal with. As a parent, there are some coping strategies that you can implement to facilitate a child’s transition into life after divorce.
Don’t shut out their feelings
As with adults, children must be allowed to express what they truly feel. Even if you don’t want to hear it, it is important to allow children to express sadness and disappointment. Dismissing their emotions could give the impression that they are wrong to feel this way, which can lead to them avoiding discussions over negative feelings altogether.
Try to remain amicable in front of them
It has long been established that two parents fighting in front of their child can be detrimental to the kid’s emotional health. You are not obliged to stay close with your former spouse after divorce, but they are going to remain a part of your life as a co-parent to your child. Consequently, occasional meetings, at the very least, are unavoidable. There is no need to bring negativity into these meetings, given that they are likely to only last a matter of seconds or minutes. If both parents show that they are able to remain civil, the child knows that they are the priority.
Watch what you post about your divorce on social media
When many of us have something to say or share, we take to social media in a flash. It’s the “in” place to air opinions, share photos, post news and just about everything else these days.
That lack of inhibition on social media platforms may be okay for you, especially if your personality is kind of freewheeling. However, it can have consequences if you are in the midst of a divorce and you decide to volcanically vent your frustration by bad-mouthing your future ex-spouse. You may feel relieved after spewing all kinds of nastiness about your former mate for all to read, but doing so can have a downside, too.
Why not post a torrent of negative things about your ex on social media?
One life coach exhorts her clients to practice “divorce without damage.” When your emotions are running high as tidal waves, it’s pretty tough to exercise restraint and sound judgment. All you really long to do is flush those raging feelings right out of your system.
Stop and mull it over beforehand. Do you want to appear petty, vengeful and vindictive by trashing your erstwhile life partner in public? How about your kids and family seeing or hearing about what you write? You could be sorry later for putting all that in front of people, particularly those you care deeply about.
Co-parenting after divorce: why you need a plan
Once the divorce process is through, leaving your kids behind and moving out can be one of the most heart-wrenching experiences. Working out a parenting plan that fits your work and life schedules can be extremely beneficial to everyone, and more so to the kids. A good parenting plan will reassure the children that while their parents may no longer live together, their relationship with each parent will not be affected.
Most divorce courts encourage divorcing parents to come up with a parenting plan that addresses their children’s specific needs. While working on this, there are a number of details that should be considered such as: the kids’ school schedule, who drops off and picks them up from school and who gets to spend the weekends with them among other details. In a nutshell, co-parenting comes with several benefits to the children. Here are some of them:
A reassurance of security and stability
Children can be greatly affected if parents are constantly fighting during and after divorce. They may not know what to do and, in the process, resort to rebellious behaviors. A healthy co-parenting plan ensures that there are routines, boundaries and expectations so the kids can have a safe and stable environment for their success both at home and at school.
Should you wait until January to divorce?
There’s probably no good time for a divorce, but January seems to be the preference for a lot of couples. In fact, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says that January sees about one-third more new divorce filings than normal. Google reported in 2019 that searches about divorce peaked during the second weekend in January.
People don’t suddenly wake up on New Year’s Day and decide they’re unhappily married, so why do so many “pull the trigger” and seek a divorce in January?
Why people may wait until January to break up
While every marriage is different, there are some common themes behind the January rush to divorce. They include:
- They want to give their spouse one last happy holiday season together (or, at a minimum, not wanting to ruin the season by seeking a divorce at the end of the year).
- Parents may not want to disrupt the children’s holiday and make them associate this time of the year with their parents’ break-up.
I am behind in child support: What will happen to me?
In Illinois, child support is determined by a number of factors. One of the most common questions parents ask when it comes to child support is, “What will happen if the paying parent refuses or falls behind in their payments?”
Regardless of the reasons why the non-custodial parent is not able to follow through with child support payments, one thing is certain that they may have a legal dilemma.
Parental vs. legal obligations
Whether married, separated, divorced or never married, every parent is responsible for their child’s financial and emotional well-being. There are laws in place to ensure that children receive what they deserve to live a happy and healthy life. Most often, the court will direct the non-custodial parent to make child support payments to the custodial parent for the child’s basic needs.
Several factors are taken into account when determining the child support amount. These include the child’s needs, each spouse’s income as well as the parents’ other financial obligations. Illinois utilizes the Income Shares concept to determine child support amounts. With this concept, the total child support amount is calculated based on both parents’ net income. The amount is then divided between the parents according to the percentage of their combined income.
Child custody ideas for the holidays
Most of the time, your child custody schedule looks pretty simple. You get the children one week and then your ex gets them the following week. You make the exchanges after school, on Fridays.
But the holidays always get a bit more chaotic. Schedules change, of course, but it’s not just that. It’s also that you would both like to be involved. If it’s your ex’s week to have the kids on Thanksgiving or Christmas, that’s hard. What are some other solutions?
You could celebrate together
If you and your ex are on fairly good terms, you could celebrate together and include everyone. The kids will probably prefer this, as it’s easiest for them and they get to see both of you, so the question is just whether or not it feels feasible for you and your ex.
Cut the holiday in half
Another option is to split the day. The kids could wake up at your house in the morning and then go see your ex around lunch. They get two holiday parties, which they’ll enjoy. The only downside is that the middle of the day is spent in the car, switching homes.
Common mistakes to avoid during the divorce process
When two people fall in love with each other, they hope to get married and live happily ever after. The last thing they want to think or talk about is divorce. However, remaining married is not always possible. Sometimes, divorce happens, and life goes on after that.
Without proper preparation, divorce can have a lasting impact on a person’s emotional, social and financial wellbeing. The fact of the matter is, there are things you should not do when going through the divorce process in Illinois. Here are some of them:
Opting for the wrong type of divorce
Contrary to what you may think, there are many ways of ending a marriage in Illinois. When you think of the word divorce, chances are what comes to mind is the litigated divorce that is presided over by a judge. However, it is important to note that the state of Illinois highly encourages divorcing couples to work together to resolve the issues pertaining to their divorce out of the courtroom through mediation and collaboration. Both collaborative and mediated divorces are usually cost-effective in comparison to litigated ones. Settling for the right type of divorce for your situation can greatly impact the outcome of your case, so it is important that you carefully weigh your options.
Do spouses have to help pay back student loans after a divorce?
Married couples acquire all kinds of personal property and financial obligations during their relationships. When couples divorce, they often have to figure out how to split up their property and the debts that they share.
Under the Illinois equitable distribution standard, the goal of litigated property division is a fair outcome. Judges must review the property and debts a couple shares and the unique circumstances of their marriage to arrive at a decision regarding the distribution of both the property and the death.
Although people often focus on the division of property in a divorce, that can also be a major concern. If one spouse has substantial student loan debt, is that debt possibly divisible in the divorce?
When did that spouse incur the debt?
Like with assets, certain debts can be separate property that aren't subject to division by the court. Debts held prior to marriage will usually remain the sole responsibility of the spouse who incurred the debt.
Co-parenting takes work to make it worthwhile
Raising children with your ex isn’t always easy, but it’s a fact of life for many people. Being able to come together as a parenting team can make this a bit less stressful. Successful co-parenting isn’t always simple, but the children usually benefit when parents can make it work.
One way that you can improve the situation is to remain positive. There are many things to consider if you want to make this work. One of the most important is to remember that the focus has to be on the children. Remembering that simple point may help to reduce the contention between you two considerably.
Take care of yourself
Taking care of yourself can reduce your stress. It might be hard to find time for yourself when you have the children with you, but you may have a better chance when your ex has the children. Feeling your best is usually possible if you eat a healthy diet, get some exercise, and take the time to rest.
Focus on good things with the children
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