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Handling custody with a narcissist
When you’re in a relationship with a person who has a narcissistic personality, it can be scary to try to go against anything they want. Whether they’re seeking out custody of your child or trying to manipulate the entire situation in their favor, you deserve the opportunity to fight back and make sure the court rules in a way that is in the best interests of your child.
Narcissistic personality traits make it so a person has a few unusual aspects to their personality, such as a lack of empathy or a need for admiration. They may have a self-imposed image of grandiosity and think they’re much more powerful or commanding than they are.
Engaging with this kind of person during a divorce can be difficult, as they often try to manipulate issues and could decide to try to punish you in some way. For example, they might start gathering up information about what a bad parent you are when you decide that you don’t like a specific schedule they want. Then, if you cave in, they may suddenly recant those statements and start singing your praises again.
Has divorce negatively affected your child’s academics?
Divorce can be tough on all family members. Often, both spouses will have invested much effort into reconciling their differences, to no avail. Divorce may be the best option for them, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Children can find it even more difficult than adults to cope with the stress of a divorce. They blame themselves or question whether or not their parents truly love them. All of this can have a knock-on effect on their school work.
How can you tell if your child is struggling at school?
Poorer grades than usual
Your child has breezed through school so far, obtaining the highest possible grades. In the months after the divorce, you notice that their school reports show lower grades than the previous year.
While this may not be directly linked to divorce, it is a possibility. You, your co-parent and the teaching staff should be able to come up with a plan to help your child get back on track.
Disorderly behavior
Divorce can make your children angry at the world. They may question their future and the meaning of life. When their parents separate, it can feel like their world has been turned upside down. This can manifest itself in psychological conditions like depression and anxiety, but it can also impact their external behavior.
Understanding the 80/20 custody schedule
Many divorcing parents have nontraditional work schedules or jobs that require long, sometimes unpredictable hours. During the marriage, the other spouse was able to take care of the kids when that parent couldn’t be home. However, after the two separate, that parent can’t very well share custody (or “parenting time,” as Illinois law refers to it) equally. The same is true for parents who are going to be living some distance from their child after divorce.
For families in this situation, an 80/20 child custody arrangement is often the best option. It typically involves the child staying with their primary caregiver most of the time but spending every other weekend with their other parent.
If the parent lives some distance away, it often involves that parent driving, flying or taking the train to visit their child. If the child is old enough, they may be the one to do the traveling, at least occasionally.
Making the most of your limited parenting time
If this schedule is the one you have to choose, at least for a time, you can still make the most out of those weekend visits with your child. Having a communication plan is also crucial so that you can video chat with your child every day or as often as possible. It’s important to have that codified in your parenting plan so there’s less chance of confusion or conflict and your child can count on regularly talking to you.
Why long-distance parents need a communication plan
If you’re going to be living some distance from your co-parent and your child after your divorce, it’s crucial to have clear provisions for communication with your child in your parenting plan. Long-distance parents often have to work harder to maintain a close relationship with their kids – especially when they can’t be with them for months at a time.
Fortunately, we have a variety of technology today that allows parents to have “virtual parenting time” with their kids from anywhere in the world. However, the other parent has to facilitate these visits if the kids are younger – or at least not hinder them.
What provisions should you include in your parenting plan?
When you detail your communications provisions, you may want to designate things like how often your virtual parenting time will take place, what time(s) of the day, through what app (FaceTime, Zoom, Skype and so forth) and if the other parent will be present during the call. Be sure you allow for time zone differences. You may also want to have provisions for “make-up” time if something comes up that you or your child can’t be available when a call is scheduled.
Never focus on the past in child custody disputes
Parents who are going through a child custody matter have to ensure that they’re focusing solely on the children. This can be a very challenging and emotional time because each parent will think that their own way of doing things is the right one.
It’s imperative to put the children first no matter what’s going on. This is usually best when the parents can get along so they can make the decisions that are in the child’s best interests. One thing to remember is that you have to focus on what’s going on now and what needs to happen in the future.
The history between you and your ex doesn’t matter
You and your ex have a history that ended when you split up. That history shouldn’t be a part of the child custody decisions unless it has to do with abuse or neglect. Leaving the emotional side of the divorce or separation alone and thinking only about how decisions affect the kids can help you to ensure that you’re doing what’s necessary for them.
Direct communication is the only option
Celebrating your child’s birthday after divorce
Your child looks forward to their birthday every year. Usually, the whole family gathers to celebrate and shower them with presents and lots of love. This year, however, things are different because of your divorce. How can you make the day special for your child now that circumstances have changed?
There are several ways that this can be handled, depending on the type of relationship that you now have with your ex. If the two of you cannot be in the same room together without an argument breaking out, you’ll have to get creative.
Ways to celebrate your child’s birthday
There are several ways to celebrate your child’s birthday:
- Continue the same tradition of a family party. If everyone can manage to get along for a couple of hours, this might be your best bet. Choose a neutral location, such as a pizza place or park, and celebrate.
- Host separate celebrations on separate days. Gather your side of the family for a party, and let your ex do the same at his place. Try to get the child excited about having two parties and plan to have fun!
Some common causes of divorce
Marriage can be a rewarding experience but it is by no means easy. Challenges are bound to come up, even for the most solid couples.
The reality is that around half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Outlined below are some common reasons why this is the case.
Disputes over finances
Even if finances played no role in a couple getting to know one another and finally tying the knot, once you’re living together, finances tend to become part of the conversation. One spouse may be a big spender, purchasing extravagant gifts and always looking forward to the next night out. The other partner in the marriage may be looking to save money to purchase a house or start a family. Disputes over finances can ultimately make spouses realize that they have different dreams, goals and visions for the future. Sometimes, these differences are irreconcilable.
A breakdown in communication
All couples argue at some point, this is natural when living in close proximity with another person. However, successful communication skills can overcome such barriers and bring couples closer together. When arguments never get resolved or result in fiery verbal confrontations, it could be a sign that the marriage is in trouble.
Could a prenup make your marriage stronger?
Many people who are resistant to prenuptial agreements and post-nuptial agreements claim that they don't want to use them because it will make it more likely that they're going to get divorced. They feel like having the prenup is going to weaken the marriage because it shows that they are already considering a divorce before they've even gotten married.
But could the opposite be true? Is there actually a chance that the prenup could make you less likely to get a divorce, giving you a stronger marriage?
You have to talk about your finances
One thing to keep in mind is that people often say that the reason they're getting a divorce is due to financial stress. This can take many different forms, such as an inability to talk about money with each other or different ways that the two of you view your shared assets.
Creating a prenuptial agreement or setting up a postnuptial agreement after your marriage forces you to consider your financial situation and talk about it with your spouse. This can be highly beneficial because you may be able to avoid some of these major reasons that people split up. These conversations can be difficult to have, but at least you both know where the other person stands.
Jealousy can weaken your marriage
Jealousy can arise from a number of factors. Your partner might envy your popularity, looks, professional success, wealth or other characteristics. They may be insecure and struggle with self-esteem issues. Whatever the cause, jealousy is an emotion that, if it gets overwhelming or is illogical, can become an obstacle in your marriage. It may lead to unpleasant or outright abusive behavior. You may need to consider whether you want to save the marriage or pursue a divorce.
A bit of jealousy is human and forgivable. If, for instance, your spouse sees you engaged in an animated conversation with an attractive person at a party, they might have a few twinges of resentment. It might momentarily pique their jealousy. On the other hand, if a jealous spouse has so much fury that they can barely restrain it, then something is out of kilter.
When jealousy becomes a problem
Some signs of jealousy that has turned poisonous are these:
- Making unfounded accusations that your partner has been straying
Busy career? You can still have custody
When you work many long hours, you may think that it will be impossible for you to have any respectable amount of custody of your children. Realistically, the courts like for parents to split custody as evenly as they can, because they recognize that children need both parents in their lives. Unfortunately, with such a busy schedule, you may not have the time to spend half your week with your child.
Even if you can’t split custody 50-50, you still have a right to seek as much custody as possible. So, for example, if you work four ten-hour shifts from Monday through Thursday, it’s reasonable to ask that you have custody on Friday, Saturday and/or Sunday. Exactly how much time you get on those days may depend on the other parent’s schedule as well as your child’s activities and other needs.
Put your kids first when making custody decisions
It is important to put your children first when you’re making custody decisions. While it would be nice to be able to have your child with you more often than not, is that reasonable with your schedule? You need to look realistically at your work schedule as well as their needs to determine if 50-50 shared custody is possible. If not, what is realistic for you? One day a week? Two? Work this out before talking to the other parent about the custody schedule that you think would be best.
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