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Could 1 of these 4 things be quietly destroying your marriage?
Is your marriage withering away under the strain of something unspoken? Psychologists refer to certain traits in couples as silent "relationship killers." These are issues that come between couples over time — without necessarily even being noticed at first.
The reality is that most marriages don't implode suddenly over something large — like infidelity or a similar betrayal. Instead, they slowly disintegrate because they aren't be nurtured properly. What gets in the way? The following:
1. Changing goals
In a perfect world, couples would always grow together and their goals would always align. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen, particularly if you were young when you got married. People change — and don't always end up on the path they expect to be on.
2. Resentment
If your spouse seems to actively resent something you do, something about you or just seems to resent your life together, that's going to constantly seep into their interactions with you. Sarcasm and passive-aggressive tactics are tough to handle and many people who find themselves on the wrong end of a spouse's resentment just quit trying.
Separation anxiety during visits with a non-custodial parent
One of the hardest parts about being a divorced parent is the fact that you have to divvy up your child's time with your ex-spouse. It can be excruciating, however, when your child experiences separation anxiety during those visitations.
Neither you nor your ex-spouse wants your child to suffer. Having your child cling to you or cry as you walk away isn't pleasant for you. Peeling your child away from you as they cry isn't pleasant for your ex. So, what can you do to make things better?
Here are some tips:
1. Recognize separation anxiety when you see it.
No matter what age your child is, they may experience:
- Crying fits
- Anxiety attacks
- Trouble sleeping
- Lack of appetite
- Irritability for no obvious reason
- Anger or frustration
- Fearfulness
A mild crying fit occasionally probably isn't anything to worry about. However, you know your child best and you know when something is really concerning.
The relationship between guns and domestic violence
Intimate partner violence is a serious problem in the United States. Statistically, around 2,000 people lose their lives in altercations with a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or ex-romantic partner. Over half of those deaths are caused by the same kind of weapon: a firearm.
The connection between firearms and domestic homicide among intimate partners is so strong that just living in a state that has 10% more firearms than another state increases a woman's chances of dying by gunshot 10.2%. Given that 90% of murdered women are killed by someone they know, that's an important factor.
However, women often aren't the only targets of an intimate partner's violence once a firearm gets involved. While 53% of women are killed with firearms in domestic violence situations, guns are used on 70% of so-called "collateral" victims. Those are the children, friends, sisters, brothers, parents and grandparents of the intended victim who just happen to be in close proximity when the domestic abuser loses control and becomes a murderer.
Want an uncontested divorce? Do these 4 things before you start
If you and your spouse have decided to split and have agreed to resolve all of your issues in order to have an uncontested divorce, there are a few things that you still need to do as a couple before you proceed — if you hope for things to go smoothly.
Here's where to start:
1. Put your emotions on hold.
Your emotions had a lot to do with your decision to divorce. Now that you've made your choice, however, you need to try to turn off those emotions and approach your split as logically as possible. There will be time for you to continue processing your emotions after the divorce is done.
2. Get your financial paperwork together.
This is best undertaken with your spouse. You have to fully disclose all your income, assets, and debts anyhow. Therefore, trying to hide anything from your spouse is counterproductive and will just increase the time and money it takes to get your divorce over.
3. Separate your finances as much as possible.
How a DUI can affect your child custody case
A charge of driving under the influence (DUI) is serious business under any circumstances. However, when you're in the middle of a custody case, it can be disastrous.
Here's what you can expect to happen:
1. Social service agencies could get involved.
Hopefully, you were wise enough not to have your child in the car with you at the time you were arrested. However, if you did, you can probably expect the issue to attract the attention of a child protection agency.
You may not even be safe from their intrusion if your kids weren't in the car. Social workers can and do draw conclusions from a number of different sources — including interviews with your co-parent, the kids and your relatives. If someone alleges that you have a habit of drinking around the kids, that may be enough to affect your custody rights.
2. The judge will probably consider your arrest an issue.
Judges have to keep their focus on what's in the best interests of the child. Among the factors they consider are things like any evidence that a parent has a problem with drugs or alcohol and signs that a parent could endanger their child's safety. They also look at a parent's ability to provide a stable home.
Falsely accused of domestic violence? Know what to do next
Domestic violence is a serious problem. However, not every accusation that makes it to a courtroom is valid — especially during a divorce and custody battle.
If you've been falsely accused and served with a temporary restraining order, you need to understand exactly what to do — and what not to do — in this situation. Otherwise, you can quickly fall into a trap that will make your predicament much worse.
1. Do not contact the alleged victim in any fashion
No matter how upset you are, no matter how much you want to try to reason with the other party — just don't. Once you've been served with the temporary restraining order, any contact at all from you to the other party can land you in jail. This includes:
- Phone calls
- Texts
- Letters
- Messages passed by friends or relatives
Even driving by the house on your way to and from work could potentially be considered harassment — so simply steer clear of the other party completely. If the other party attempts to contact you, do not respond.
Do you have good reason for refusing your ex visitation rights?
Even those parents who manage to get along after a breakup may have moments of tension and conflict when it comes to raising their children. Parents with shared custody may have many more compromises and concessions to make, but situations in which one parent has custody and the other has visitation rights can also be fragile.
You probably had good reasons for fighting for sole custody, and if the court granted it, the judge must have agreed that your situation was in the best interests of the child. If your ex has visitation rights, you know you must comply with the court order. However, this may not always be easy.
When is it right to say no?
While you know that you violate the law by refusing to allow your ex to have the time with the children ordered by an Illinois court, there may be legitimate reasons to do so. Nevertheless, you would be wise to seek legal advice as soon as possible and to keep a careful log of any circumstances that compel you to deny your ex access to the child, such as:
You can cope with your divorce (really)
On any given day, life can seem totally overwhelming. There's work stress, kid stress, school stress, money stress and health issues to deal with — so how do you manage to cope when your marriage stress turns into a divorce?
Carefully. You have to be prepared to focus on your kids, yourself and your divorce — in that order — for a while. Everything else may have to take a backseat.
Here are some tips:
1. Realize that the changes are huge.
You are probably not going to hold onto a semblance of your old life in any real way.
More than just your spouse no longer being present, you may find yourself relocating, looking for new friends and changing everything about yourself. The harder you try to hold onto the past, the more self-created stress you'll feel, so don't grasp too hard on what you had. Instead, try to embrace the changes.
2. Cut negative people out of your life.
Part of "not hanging onto the past" means that you may need to make changes to your social circle. If your in-laws aren't supportive and able to be civil around you, don't deal with them. Let your ex-spouse take the kids over for visits.
Relocating after divorce could harm the kids
It's only natural to want to get a fresh start following your divorce — but that's not an easy proposition when you share a child or two with your ex-spouse. Whether you have primary physical custody or not, it's generally better for the kids if the parents stay relatively close to each other.
A new study, recently published in the Journal of Family Psychology, has just overturned some conventional wisdom that's been driving decisions in family courts now for a while. Generally speaking, the courts didn't consider a parent's relocation a frivolous matter — but it didn't consider it a serious problem, either.
It's actually quite detrimental to the children when their parents don't live in the same geographical area. The physical wedge between the more distant parent and the children seems to create an emotional wedge as well. Even with all the modern technological assets provided by Skype, phones, text messages, chat groups and more, the fact is that the distant parent and the child still seem to drift apart. There's just no substitution for real-life connections and the chance to bond with your children.
Divorce cakes are turning into a trend
Twenty years ago, if you heard that someone was going to celebrate their divorce, you probably figured that meant they were going to go out to a bar with a few good friends and tie one on.
Now, there might actually be a real party — complete with a cake — involved.
Bakeries are reporting that "divorce cakes" are becoming a bigger and bigger trend in recent years. It's long been a tradition in American culture to celebrate a wedding with an elaborate — and often symbolic — cake. It rather makes sense that divorcing couples might decide to celebrate the end of a marriage the same way.
After all, done right, divorce can be sweet. If you've been locked in an unhappy marriage for a while, a divorce can be very freeing and something to truly celebrate — so why not eat some cake?
Bakers say that the requests they get for divorce cakes range from the silly the macabre. A broken "ball and chain" is a symbol that's frequently requested. And, the number one flavor that people request for a divorce cake is red velvet — perhaps symbolizing the metaphorical bloodshed that brought them to a parting of the ways with their spouse.